crazy time

Well. It's been a busy last few months. If I haven't mentioned I work a million hours a week. Actually 65-80 average. I also have a garden that is rather large needs lots of attention but is getting no where near enough. So right now my life is full. Very little time for me and feels as though I am the only one that notices I need attention too. I work currently with a coworker who is very verbally abuse and because I work in a kitchen I need to grit my teeth and just deal. Trying very hard to balance all this and make sure my girlfriend gets all the attention she deserves.

If the beginning of this blog seems jumbled that should be an example of what my psychological state is. The anxiety along with the lack of self worth are starting to get to me. I cycle rapidly so each day is a new roller coaster ride. Today anxiety tomorrow depression. The depression is easier to deal with and a lot easier to hide. People think I'm exhausted on my days off but most the time I am depressed. Just don't want to bother anyone with how I feel. Everyone has more important things to deal with. I write on here so I know I got my voice out. If anyone actually reads it, well dunno if anyone reads it. I just hope someone does....

A long time

Its been bout a month since I last wrote on here. Been so busy with work and running around. Not much free time, last week I worked 74hrs. Good thing I love my job *most the time*. The other Sous Chef has been getting on my nerves alot lately. Just want to tell him to fucking man up. Had an intense therapy appointment last week. I was flying high from it. As soon as I returned to work, right as I opened the door he was up in my face. I spilled rice before I rushed out and thought I cleaned it all up. I missed about 1/8 of a cup that went under a pan and I didnt see it. In front of everyone he yelled at me for it and I stood my ground. He seemed shocked. Chef was pissed at him for being so immature. Between work and just normal life stuff its been difficult to manage my bipolar. Holding it together so far, lets see how long this lasts

Run on...

http://www.lp33.tv/artists/moby/?sm_description=&sm_genre=&sm_title=Moby+-+Run+On&video=10125

There are songs out there that help keep me going. This is the most recent one I have come across. Some days music is a place for me to crawl and feel at peace. From 7th grade till I went to college I permanently had a set of headphones on. If not around my neck quietly serinading me with music, in my ears quietly making the world more tollerable. If I remember correctly music helped put me at ease and allowed me to relax. Mostly listen to one song for hours on end. If that song relaxed me I would play it over and over. Most people would get annoyed but I found comfort. At times the more I played it the calmer I would get. I was not an out spoken person mainly cause I found solace in music and at the time didnt feel I need to seek peace out else where. Depending on my starting mood my music preference would change. Im glad Ive progressed to the point I dont have to submerce myself in music to make it through the day. Still helps to find that song. The song I posted just mellows me out and makes me feel more relaxed. Always nice to feel that feeling. Anyone else feel that way?

One of those days...

The problem I suffer from is that my emotions turn on me in a moment. The day could be beautiful and every moment in it wonderful. At some point there is a time when all that changes. This does not happen all the time but sometimes it does. Those moments are terrifying and crippling. Most of the time those terrifying moments are preceded by feelings of epiphany. Today is one of those days.

One thing off my mind!! YEAH

Well I think I have finaly leveled out but I'm not sure. People around me have been mentioning that I don't seem my normal "bubbly" self. Not sure how to take that but it is what it is. I feel level but I have been wrong before. I need to be able to either repress my emotions or be level this weekend. Got another busy catering weekend.

I didnt get my vending machine fixed! I think. Either way I got a new part that works and got it into the machine. Just need to get back up there to check it out but havent made it yet. Dont rally wanna go back up because
if I dont go and no one tells me its not working does that mean its broken? Either way thats one more thing off my mind. Just gotta worry bout health care and my job.