Welcome.
Since this is my first entry I'm going to give you a little back story.
While I was in high school I got really interested in being a Chef. I knew I always wanted to cook but was not sure what it meant to be a chef. The difference as it was presented to me was a Cook just cooks. To him/her it is just a job and they know how to do things but not why they do them. While being a Chef cooking was your life. You knew why you cooked the way you did. Why you cooked certain meats specific ways, why flour thickens a soup, or why mashed potatoes get gluey when you add cold milk to them and so on. To a dedicated Chef cooking is your way of life. Working 80hrs a week, not really knowing many people outside of the restaurant industry, working holidays and everyday no one else does. Those were all things that did not matter because this is what you love to do. This did not scare me away like it does so many other people. That was when I decided to go to the Culinary Institute of America.
There was one road block to getting there. That was being Bipolar also known as Manic/depressive. Everyone with it experiences it a little bit differently. Some people are more Manic while others are more depressive. The best explanation of being bipolar was from a book Bipolar disorder for dummies.
"Imagine yourself won the highway at a comfortable speed of 65 mph when your cruise control goes berserk. The speedometer climbs to 75 and them 85....you hit the button to cancel...tap the breaks...nothing slows you down...95....you car starts shaking and weavering...100...people are honking...105...police are chasing you...110...your spouse is yelling to you to SLOW DOWN...115...120... OR Imagine the oppisite: Your driving though town, 30 mph speedlimit, nobody is in front of you, and your car can only go 3 mph. Youre partcialy pushing the accelerator through the floor, but you can only get up to 5 mph...downhill!!!! Your neighbors are honking, passing you on the right --on bicycles--giving you dirty looks and other gestures of discontent. when you have bipolar disorder you brains accelerator is stuck. At full speed, it launches you into a manic episode. In slow gear, it grinds you down into a deep depression". - Bipolar Disorder for Dummies
For me being in manic mode is more like having all the energy in the world but you cant direct it and you become very impulsive. There was a person I knew who bought a replica space suit for an intense amount of money. They have no need for it, nor do they really like it but because she was on a manic shopping spree. That is pretty much you buy things that make no sense to the average person why you would want that. For me I start many hobbies and stock up on everything I need for them as if it was my passion. Shorty after I spent more money than I should on something I don't even know if I will like it. I lose focus on that hobby very fast and move on to another one. I have a wealth of projects started but none of which I have ever finished. Some of my failed hobbies are Bonsai, small circuit board building, wood working to name a few. I pick them up every now and then but never really finished a project.
The other part of the disorder is depression. That part is easier for people to understand. I would spend many hours alone in the dark because I didn't feel worthy for the world. It felt like I lost all emotional feeling. During those times every thing had no meaning, no reason and I hated myself for that. This would only make things worse and it became a dark spiral down to my pit of sadness. While in depression everything was darker that it really was. You begin to see the world as if there is no hope and everything is worthless especially yourself.
For me being in manic mode is more like having all the energy in the world but you cant direct it and you become very impulsive. There was a person I knew who bought a replica space suit for an intense amount of money. They have no need for it, nor do they really like it but because she was on a manic shopping spree. That is pretty much you buy things that make no sense to the average person why you would want that. For me I start many hobbies and stock up on everything I need for them as if it was my passion. Shorty after I spent more money than I should on something I don't even know if I will like it. I lose focus on that hobby very fast and move on to another one. I have a wealth of projects started but none of which I have ever finished. Some of my failed hobbies are Bonsai, small circuit board building, wood working to name a few. I pick them up every now and then but never really finished a project.
The other part of the disorder is depression. That part is easier for people to understand. I would spend many hours alone in the dark because I didn't feel worthy for the world. It felt like I lost all emotional feeling. During those times every thing had no meaning, no reason and I hated myself for that. This would only make things worse and it became a dark spiral down to my pit of sadness. While in depression everything was darker that it really was. You begin to see the world as if there is no hope and everything is worthless especially yourself.
Being Bipolar is an weight on your back and makes everything you do that much more difficult. Most of us who are Bipolar find ways of dealing with it and hiding it from those around us. This is no different for me. I did it because I felt I needed to shield those around me from me. Most of my energy was put into pretending that all was fine when it was not. I didn't keep many friends back then. Mostly because every time I would let someone in they would hurt me and when you are extremely emotional the smallest of pin pricks feels like the world is falling down onto you.
Working to make it in a field that eats the weak was not an easy task. I found that I have to put all emotion aside to deal with working in a restaurant. This was the one place that I felt at home and knowing that all I wanted was to be a Chef forced me to deal with my disorder. I faced many of my personal demons to make it where I am today. I will never be cured of my disorder but I have learned how to live with it. How to make emotionally healthy choices and how to deal with stressful situations. I still have relapses every now and then but over all I have it mostly under control. Learning to deal with my disorder helped me to become a chef and to make it where I am today. Currently I am Sous Chef the place I first started off at in high school. All in all I'm keeping it together now.
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