its because of the book...

Found a book yesterday for my girlfriend. Loving someone with bipolar disorder. While thumbing through the book I was reading random paragraphs. I have a difficult time dealing with what I do to the people around me. I have never physically harmed someone but its just the idea of how I hurt them emotionally. At this point in time I start crying. My girlfriend walked over and I tried to hide my crying. It worked for a short period of time but she soon found out. She asked what was wrong and I just didn't answer. She rubbed my back. I told her that I was crying because of the book. She said get the book and we can read it together.

I am very good at hiding my disorder from people. I've actually been told this by my Dr's. They tell me that because of defense mechanisms are so ingrained that I must have been born with it. It went so long with out treatment that I just got good at not showing what I truly feel. The reason I work so hard at suppressing everything is that I tear myself apart when I think about what I have done to those around me. I look at it as this is my burden and I don't want anyone else to have to deal with it. I know life is easier if I let people in to help carry the weight on my shoulders. Its so hard for me to deal with on my own that I cant even imagine what having to look in from the outside would be like.

Now that I have to start coming clean to her about all the little things I hide from her. All the things that I do to, in my eyes, protect her from my emotions. I'm rather scared that she will run away if I show her what I go through. Show her my side effects from my medications. I wonder if she will stay when she knows I'm not as level as I appear to be. I wonder what she will think of me now. This is going to take a lot of work for me because I have never done this before. I have never let someone that far into my life. Tell her the things I do to keep my moods in check. What I really go through in a good or bad day. Show her the things that I do to misdirect people around me from what is really going on in me. Most of this stuff I have done for so long that I don't even think about doing it anymore it just happens. Its going to take a long time for all of them to come to the surface because I don't think about doing them. This is going to be a big test of our relationship. Maybe this book getting us to talk about these sorta things is good for us and my mental health. Maybe it means I don't have to protect her or deal with it alone anymore.