The machine from hell

Tried to head up to see my girlfriend early today but put that idea on the back burner when I heard my vending machine part came in. I thought it would be a quick fix to replace this part. First I took the condenser out and skinned my knuckle. After that I pulled the old part out and realized that it was a different part than I was sent. Frustrated I found an electrician to help figure out how to put it in but he only had a short time to explain and not show me how to. I put that part in and it was a faulty part. Been fighting to get it from the company for the last 3-4 weeks. Getting increasingly frustrated I tried to get ahold of the company and the only number not disconnected wont go through. Eventually they called me back and told me I needed another part and they would ship it off to me. I drove around town trying to find a similar switch to fix it myself. I found one and now there is a short in the machine and I cant get it to turn on with out tripping the breaker. Not being able to get an electrician to help me I had to give up. After almost 6hrs I felt like a failure for not being able to fix it.

I know its not my fault. I have no official training in electronics and the only training I do have is from reading a how to book on my own. Im having a difficult time grasping what it says because I cant actually do it. So I just picture it in my head, which is not working so well. I also know that I had a faulty part. This too is not my fault. I still felt like a failure. As time has passed I feel worse and worse. Now I feel angry and kinda guilty thinking that the reason it wont even turn on anymore is some how my fault. It was probably the faulty part I put in. In my head its all my fault. I failed at being able to fix this issue and I keep drilling that into my head. I cant stop thinking about the machine either. Its pretty much all I have thought about all day.

Now I wait for an electrician to get up there and fix it. Im not even in the same state anymore so I cant watch/help. That is driving me almost as crazy as not being able to fix it on my own.

Mood update: still going up and down regularly and most my tricks to help combat this are not working. Hopefully this will go away before I go back to work full time. I don't know what to do about it. If it does not smooth out before than I am screwed. I will let all those who rely on me down. Dissapointment is one thing that really messes with my mood and one of the most difficult things for me to try and handle. Not sure what to do not but wait and hope.

weekend from hell

Its been a long weekend. Working at the restuarant we had 3 different off site caterings. Located all over town while having to work the line at the same time. This was not plesant. I have been fluctuating up and down for a few weeks now but this weekend I really needed to pull it together. I only managed to just barely make it through. I had a few burnt, over cooked, undercooked, and cold dishes go out. I could not help the " I suck, why am I even allowed to cook, I'm the worst souschef ever" This is the usual depression mantra. I have faith in my Chef for choosing me but I dont have faith in myself now. I feel so drained not physicaly but mentaly. Its times like this that I think about not being a Chef. Not cause I dont want to but because I dont think I will make it. If someone with this issue will be able to keep up with everyone else. To be a chef you need to be mentaly on top of your game every hour the restaurant is open. You never know on your time off when you will get called in. I dont know. Thought my meds were working but these few weeks I start to doubt it. Guess time to move up my next appointment and really think bout the meds...

its because of the book...

Found a book yesterday for my girlfriend. Loving someone with bipolar disorder. While thumbing through the book I was reading random paragraphs. I have a difficult time dealing with what I do to the people around me. I have never physically harmed someone but its just the idea of how I hurt them emotionally. At this point in time I start crying. My girlfriend walked over and I tried to hide my crying. It worked for a short period of time but she soon found out. She asked what was wrong and I just didn't answer. She rubbed my back. I told her that I was crying because of the book. She said get the book and we can read it together.

I am very good at hiding my disorder from people. I've actually been told this by my Dr's. They tell me that because of defense mechanisms are so ingrained that I must have been born with it. It went so long with out treatment that I just got good at not showing what I truly feel. The reason I work so hard at suppressing everything is that I tear myself apart when I think about what I have done to those around me. I look at it as this is my burden and I don't want anyone else to have to deal with it. I know life is easier if I let people in to help carry the weight on my shoulders. Its so hard for me to deal with on my own that I cant even imagine what having to look in from the outside would be like.

Now that I have to start coming clean to her about all the little things I hide from her. All the things that I do to, in my eyes, protect her from my emotions. I'm rather scared that she will run away if I show her what I go through. Show her my side effects from my medications. I wonder if she will stay when she knows I'm not as level as I appear to be. I wonder what she will think of me now. This is going to take a lot of work for me because I have never done this before. I have never let someone that far into my life. Tell her the things I do to keep my moods in check. What I really go through in a good or bad day. Show her the things that I do to misdirect people around me from what is really going on in me. Most of this stuff I have done for so long that I don't even think about doing it anymore it just happens. Its going to take a long time for all of them to come to the surface because I don't think about doing them. This is going to be a big test of our relationship. Maybe this book getting us to talk about these sorta things is good for us and my mental health. Maybe it means I don't have to protect her or deal with it alone anymore.

Gonna be blunt

I have told all the people I know. Figured that it was best they know cause if I go down like I did a few years ago, I need to know who will bail. Thought I would start to weed out the people closest to me who could not deal with it before I was a huge mess. Alot of things I say here will be very difficult to type. Although everyone aroundt me is aware of it, they do not know the details. Very few know of the details that I face and struggle with each day. Those of you who may read this and are bipolar you know what I mean. In the past I share the darkest and most difficult stuff with people who I know are bipolar/depressed. I am on meds to minimize the impact on my life and I do see a therapist. Although lately I find it very difficult to speak to her about whats goin on in my head. Before I go there I have so much I need to say but when I'm there I blank out. Any ideas on how to combat it are welcome. Thank you to all those who wrote the blogs I have read. It was those words that helped me make my mind up about speaking out about my daily struggle.

Maple syrup!!

The Sap is Flowing! Time to start boiling. Its maple syrup season! My favorite time of year.

I got the gardening urge today and with all my seeds in another state I decided to plant some Grass in my girlfriends back yard. With no hose to water the seeds it looks a little sad. I do have high hopes for some of the seeds to take this spring and put some green in the dust bowl. Can wait to start some of my seeds when I get back. Last year the Tomato and Thyme crops were good and first time my garden produced with out me killing it off. This year I am crossing my fingers for the other crops I will try to grow.