Run on...

http://www.lp33.tv/artists/moby/?sm_description=&sm_genre=&sm_title=Moby+-+Run+On&video=10125

There are songs out there that help keep me going. This is the most recent one I have come across. Some days music is a place for me to crawl and feel at peace. From 7th grade till I went to college I permanently had a set of headphones on. If not around my neck quietly serinading me with music, in my ears quietly making the world more tollerable. If I remember correctly music helped put me at ease and allowed me to relax. Mostly listen to one song for hours on end. If that song relaxed me I would play it over and over. Most people would get annoyed but I found comfort. At times the more I played it the calmer I would get. I was not an out spoken person mainly cause I found solace in music and at the time didnt feel I need to seek peace out else where. Depending on my starting mood my music preference would change. Im glad Ive progressed to the point I dont have to submerce myself in music to make it through the day. Still helps to find that song. The song I posted just mellows me out and makes me feel more relaxed. Always nice to feel that feeling. Anyone else feel that way?

One of those days...

The problem I suffer from is that my emotions turn on me in a moment. The day could be beautiful and every moment in it wonderful. At some point there is a time when all that changes. This does not happen all the time but sometimes it does. Those moments are terrifying and crippling. Most of the time those terrifying moments are preceded by feelings of epiphany. Today is one of those days.

One thing off my mind!! YEAH

Well I think I have finaly leveled out but I'm not sure. People around me have been mentioning that I don't seem my normal "bubbly" self. Not sure how to take that but it is what it is. I feel level but I have been wrong before. I need to be able to either repress my emotions or be level this weekend. Got another busy catering weekend.

I didnt get my vending machine fixed! I think. Either way I got a new part that works and got it into the machine. Just need to get back up there to check it out but havent made it yet. Dont rally wanna go back up because
if I dont go and no one tells me its not working does that mean its broken? Either way thats one more thing off my mind. Just gotta worry bout health care and my job.

The machine from hell

Tried to head up to see my girlfriend early today but put that idea on the back burner when I heard my vending machine part came in. I thought it would be a quick fix to replace this part. First I took the condenser out and skinned my knuckle. After that I pulled the old part out and realized that it was a different part than I was sent. Frustrated I found an electrician to help figure out how to put it in but he only had a short time to explain and not show me how to. I put that part in and it was a faulty part. Been fighting to get it from the company for the last 3-4 weeks. Getting increasingly frustrated I tried to get ahold of the company and the only number not disconnected wont go through. Eventually they called me back and told me I needed another part and they would ship it off to me. I drove around town trying to find a similar switch to fix it myself. I found one and now there is a short in the machine and I cant get it to turn on with out tripping the breaker. Not being able to get an electrician to help me I had to give up. After almost 6hrs I felt like a failure for not being able to fix it.

I know its not my fault. I have no official training in electronics and the only training I do have is from reading a how to book on my own. Im having a difficult time grasping what it says because I cant actually do it. So I just picture it in my head, which is not working so well. I also know that I had a faulty part. This too is not my fault. I still felt like a failure. As time has passed I feel worse and worse. Now I feel angry and kinda guilty thinking that the reason it wont even turn on anymore is some how my fault. It was probably the faulty part I put in. In my head its all my fault. I failed at being able to fix this issue and I keep drilling that into my head. I cant stop thinking about the machine either. Its pretty much all I have thought about all day.

Now I wait for an electrician to get up there and fix it. Im not even in the same state anymore so I cant watch/help. That is driving me almost as crazy as not being able to fix it on my own.

Mood update: still going up and down regularly and most my tricks to help combat this are not working. Hopefully this will go away before I go back to work full time. I don't know what to do about it. If it does not smooth out before than I am screwed. I will let all those who rely on me down. Dissapointment is one thing that really messes with my mood and one of the most difficult things for me to try and handle. Not sure what to do not but wait and hope.