crazy time

Well. It's been a busy last few months. If I haven't mentioned I work a million hours a week. Actually 65-80 average. I also have a garden that is rather large needs lots of attention but is getting no where near enough. So right now my life is full. Very little time for me and feels as though I am the only one that notices I need attention too. I work currently with a coworker who is very verbally abuse and because I work in a kitchen I need to grit my teeth and just deal. Trying very hard to balance all this and make sure my girlfriend gets all the attention she deserves.

If the beginning of this blog seems jumbled that should be an example of what my psychological state is. The anxiety along with the lack of self worth are starting to get to me. I cycle rapidly so each day is a new roller coaster ride. Today anxiety tomorrow depression. The depression is easier to deal with and a lot easier to hide. People think I'm exhausted on my days off but most the time I am depressed. Just don't want to bother anyone with how I feel. Everyone has more important things to deal with. I write on here so I know I got my voice out. If anyone actually reads it, well dunno if anyone reads it. I just hope someone does....

A long time

Its been bout a month since I last wrote on here. Been so busy with work and running around. Not much free time, last week I worked 74hrs. Good thing I love my job *most the time*. The other Sous Chef has been getting on my nerves alot lately. Just want to tell him to fucking man up. Had an intense therapy appointment last week. I was flying high from it. As soon as I returned to work, right as I opened the door he was up in my face. I spilled rice before I rushed out and thought I cleaned it all up. I missed about 1/8 of a cup that went under a pan and I didnt see it. In front of everyone he yelled at me for it and I stood my ground. He seemed shocked. Chef was pissed at him for being so immature. Between work and just normal life stuff its been difficult to manage my bipolar. Holding it together so far, lets see how long this lasts

Run on...

http://www.lp33.tv/artists/moby/?sm_description=&sm_genre=&sm_title=Moby+-+Run+On&video=10125

There are songs out there that help keep me going. This is the most recent one I have come across. Some days music is a place for me to crawl and feel at peace. From 7th grade till I went to college I permanently had a set of headphones on. If not around my neck quietly serinading me with music, in my ears quietly making the world more tollerable. If I remember correctly music helped put me at ease and allowed me to relax. Mostly listen to one song for hours on end. If that song relaxed me I would play it over and over. Most people would get annoyed but I found comfort. At times the more I played it the calmer I would get. I was not an out spoken person mainly cause I found solace in music and at the time didnt feel I need to seek peace out else where. Depending on my starting mood my music preference would change. Im glad Ive progressed to the point I dont have to submerce myself in music to make it through the day. Still helps to find that song. The song I posted just mellows me out and makes me feel more relaxed. Always nice to feel that feeling. Anyone else feel that way?

One of those days...

The problem I suffer from is that my emotions turn on me in a moment. The day could be beautiful and every moment in it wonderful. At some point there is a time when all that changes. This does not happen all the time but sometimes it does. Those moments are terrifying and crippling. Most of the time those terrifying moments are preceded by feelings of epiphany. Today is one of those days.

One thing off my mind!! YEAH

Well I think I have finaly leveled out but I'm not sure. People around me have been mentioning that I don't seem my normal "bubbly" self. Not sure how to take that but it is what it is. I feel level but I have been wrong before. I need to be able to either repress my emotions or be level this weekend. Got another busy catering weekend.

I didnt get my vending machine fixed! I think. Either way I got a new part that works and got it into the machine. Just need to get back up there to check it out but havent made it yet. Dont rally wanna go back up because
if I dont go and no one tells me its not working does that mean its broken? Either way thats one more thing off my mind. Just gotta worry bout health care and my job.

The machine from hell

Tried to head up to see my girlfriend early today but put that idea on the back burner when I heard my vending machine part came in. I thought it would be a quick fix to replace this part. First I took the condenser out and skinned my knuckle. After that I pulled the old part out and realized that it was a different part than I was sent. Frustrated I found an electrician to help figure out how to put it in but he only had a short time to explain and not show me how to. I put that part in and it was a faulty part. Been fighting to get it from the company for the last 3-4 weeks. Getting increasingly frustrated I tried to get ahold of the company and the only number not disconnected wont go through. Eventually they called me back and told me I needed another part and they would ship it off to me. I drove around town trying to find a similar switch to fix it myself. I found one and now there is a short in the machine and I cant get it to turn on with out tripping the breaker. Not being able to get an electrician to help me I had to give up. After almost 6hrs I felt like a failure for not being able to fix it.

I know its not my fault. I have no official training in electronics and the only training I do have is from reading a how to book on my own. Im having a difficult time grasping what it says because I cant actually do it. So I just picture it in my head, which is not working so well. I also know that I had a faulty part. This too is not my fault. I still felt like a failure. As time has passed I feel worse and worse. Now I feel angry and kinda guilty thinking that the reason it wont even turn on anymore is some how my fault. It was probably the faulty part I put in. In my head its all my fault. I failed at being able to fix this issue and I keep drilling that into my head. I cant stop thinking about the machine either. Its pretty much all I have thought about all day.

Now I wait for an electrician to get up there and fix it. Im not even in the same state anymore so I cant watch/help. That is driving me almost as crazy as not being able to fix it on my own.

Mood update: still going up and down regularly and most my tricks to help combat this are not working. Hopefully this will go away before I go back to work full time. I don't know what to do about it. If it does not smooth out before than I am screwed. I will let all those who rely on me down. Dissapointment is one thing that really messes with my mood and one of the most difficult things for me to try and handle. Not sure what to do not but wait and hope.

weekend from hell

Its been a long weekend. Working at the restuarant we had 3 different off site caterings. Located all over town while having to work the line at the same time. This was not plesant. I have been fluctuating up and down for a few weeks now but this weekend I really needed to pull it together. I only managed to just barely make it through. I had a few burnt, over cooked, undercooked, and cold dishes go out. I could not help the " I suck, why am I even allowed to cook, I'm the worst souschef ever" This is the usual depression mantra. I have faith in my Chef for choosing me but I dont have faith in myself now. I feel so drained not physicaly but mentaly. Its times like this that I think about not being a Chef. Not cause I dont want to but because I dont think I will make it. If someone with this issue will be able to keep up with everyone else. To be a chef you need to be mentaly on top of your game every hour the restaurant is open. You never know on your time off when you will get called in. I dont know. Thought my meds were working but these few weeks I start to doubt it. Guess time to move up my next appointment and really think bout the meds...

its because of the book...

Found a book yesterday for my girlfriend. Loving someone with bipolar disorder. While thumbing through the book I was reading random paragraphs. I have a difficult time dealing with what I do to the people around me. I have never physically harmed someone but its just the idea of how I hurt them emotionally. At this point in time I start crying. My girlfriend walked over and I tried to hide my crying. It worked for a short period of time but she soon found out. She asked what was wrong and I just didn't answer. She rubbed my back. I told her that I was crying because of the book. She said get the book and we can read it together.

I am very good at hiding my disorder from people. I've actually been told this by my Dr's. They tell me that because of defense mechanisms are so ingrained that I must have been born with it. It went so long with out treatment that I just got good at not showing what I truly feel. The reason I work so hard at suppressing everything is that I tear myself apart when I think about what I have done to those around me. I look at it as this is my burden and I don't want anyone else to have to deal with it. I know life is easier if I let people in to help carry the weight on my shoulders. Its so hard for me to deal with on my own that I cant even imagine what having to look in from the outside would be like.

Now that I have to start coming clean to her about all the little things I hide from her. All the things that I do to, in my eyes, protect her from my emotions. I'm rather scared that she will run away if I show her what I go through. Show her my side effects from my medications. I wonder if she will stay when she knows I'm not as level as I appear to be. I wonder what she will think of me now. This is going to take a lot of work for me because I have never done this before. I have never let someone that far into my life. Tell her the things I do to keep my moods in check. What I really go through in a good or bad day. Show her the things that I do to misdirect people around me from what is really going on in me. Most of this stuff I have done for so long that I don't even think about doing it anymore it just happens. Its going to take a long time for all of them to come to the surface because I don't think about doing them. This is going to be a big test of our relationship. Maybe this book getting us to talk about these sorta things is good for us and my mental health. Maybe it means I don't have to protect her or deal with it alone anymore.

Gonna be blunt

I have told all the people I know. Figured that it was best they know cause if I go down like I did a few years ago, I need to know who will bail. Thought I would start to weed out the people closest to me who could not deal with it before I was a huge mess. Alot of things I say here will be very difficult to type. Although everyone aroundt me is aware of it, they do not know the details. Very few know of the details that I face and struggle with each day. Those of you who may read this and are bipolar you know what I mean. In the past I share the darkest and most difficult stuff with people who I know are bipolar/depressed. I am on meds to minimize the impact on my life and I do see a therapist. Although lately I find it very difficult to speak to her about whats goin on in my head. Before I go there I have so much I need to say but when I'm there I blank out. Any ideas on how to combat it are welcome. Thank you to all those who wrote the blogs I have read. It was those words that helped me make my mind up about speaking out about my daily struggle.

Maple syrup!!

The Sap is Flowing! Time to start boiling. Its maple syrup season! My favorite time of year.

I got the gardening urge today and with all my seeds in another state I decided to plant some Grass in my girlfriends back yard. With no hose to water the seeds it looks a little sad. I do have high hopes for some of the seeds to take this spring and put some green in the dust bowl. Can wait to start some of my seeds when I get back. Last year the Tomato and Thyme crops were good and first time my garden produced with out me killing it off. This year I am crossing my fingers for the other crops I will try to grow.

Back story

Welcome.

Since this is my first entry I'm going to give you a little back story.

While I was in high school I got really interested in being a Chef. I knew I always wanted to cook but was not sure what it meant to be a chef. The difference as it was presented to me was a Cook just cooks. To him/her it is just a job and they know how to do things but not why they do them. While being a Chef cooking was your life. You knew why you cooked the way you did. Why you cooked certain meats specific ways, why flour thickens a soup, or why mashed potatoes get gluey when you add cold milk to them and so on. To a dedicated Chef cooking is your way of life. Working 80hrs a week, not really knowing many people outside of the restaurant industry, working holidays and everyday no one else does. Those were all things that did not matter because this is what you love to do. This did not scare me away like it does so many other people. That was when I decided to go to the Culinary Institute of America.

There was one road block to getting there. That was being Bipolar also known as Manic/depressive. Everyone with it experiences it a little bit differently. Some people are more Manic while others are more depressive. The best explanation of being bipolar was from a book Bipolar disorder for dummies.

"Imagine yourself won the highway at a comfortable speed of 65 mph when your cruise control goes berserk. The speedometer climbs to 75 and them 85....you hit the button to cancel...tap the breaks...nothing slows you down...95....you car starts shaking and weavering...100...people are honking...105...police are chasing you...110...your spouse is yelling to you to SLOW DOWN...115...120... OR Imagine the oppisite: Your driving though town, 30 mph speedlimit, nobody is in front of you, and your car can only go 3 mph. Youre partcialy pushing the accelerator through the floor, but you can only get up to 5 mph...downhill!!!! Your neighbors are honking, passing you on the right --on bicycles--giving you dirty looks and other gestures of discontent. when you have bipolar disorder you brains accelerator is stuck. At full speed, it launches you into a manic episode. In slow gear, it grinds you down into a deep depression". - Bipolar Disorder for Dummies

For me being in manic mode is more like having all the energy in the world but you cant direct it and you become very impulsive. There was a person I knew who bought a replica space suit for an intense amount of money. They have no need for it, nor do they really like it but because she was on a manic shopping spree. That is pretty much you buy things that make no sense to the average person why you would want that. For me I start many hobbies and stock up on everything I need for them as if it was my passion. Shorty after I spent more money than I should on something I don't even know if I will like it. I lose focus on that hobby very fast and move on to another one. I have a wealth of projects started but none of which I have ever finished. Some of my failed hobbies are Bonsai, small circuit board building, wood working to name a few. I pick them up every now and then but never really finished a project.

The other part of the disorder is depression. That part is easier for people to understand. I would spend many hours alone in the dark because I didn't feel worthy for the world. It felt like I lost all emotional feeling. During those times every thing had no meaning, no reason and I hated myself for that. This would only make things worse and it became a dark spiral down to my pit of sadness. While in depression everything was darker that it really was. You begin to see the world as if there is no hope and everything is worthless especially yourself.

Being Bipolar is an weight on your back and makes everything you do that much more difficult. Most of us who are Bipolar find ways of dealing with it and hiding it from those around us. This is no different for me. I did it because I felt I needed to shield those around me from me. Most of my energy was put into pretending that all was fine when it was not. I didn't keep many friends back then. Mostly because every time I would let someone in they would hurt me and when you are extremely emotional the smallest of pin pricks feels like the world is falling down onto you.

Working to make it in a field that eats the weak was not an easy task. I found that I have to put all emotion aside to deal with working in a restaurant. This was the one place that I felt at home and knowing that all I wanted was to be a Chef forced me to deal with my disorder. I faced many of my personal demons to make it where I am today. I will never be cured of my disorder but I have learned how to live with it. How to make emotionally healthy choices and how to deal with stressful situations. I still have relapses every now and then but over all I have it mostly under control. Learning to deal with my disorder helped me to become a chef and to make it where I am today. Currently I am Sous Chef the place I first started off at in high school. All in all I'm keeping it together now.